How is it that we can sit at the dinner table on a romantic evening and say so little between husband and wife?  I look at the pepper mill and just lift my right eyebrow and give an upward nod to my wife and she knows that I would like her to pass the pepper so that I can add it to my Caesar’s salad. She understands exactly what I want just by the slightest gesture. How does she know?

We have spent 23 wonderful years together.  She knows every bit of my body language. Just by looking at me she knows how I’m feeling.  She can practically finish most any sentence or thought I have.  We have spent years understanding each other and reading each others body language.  In fact we could go days without a word and still communicate very clearly.

When training a horse we start out with large gross body movements to communicate with the horse what it is we wish him to do.  For instance, take something as simple as executing a turn to the right.  In the beginning of training I will use my right hand far out to the side where he can clearly see it.  From the ground he learned to follow that feel and turn his head to the right.  The real message comes from me looking to the right.  When I look to the right my hips turn slightly to the right.  As my hips turn there is a slight pressure exerted by my left leg which serves to push the horse to the right.  As the relationship deepens my horse begins to sense the change in pressure on his body and begins the turn before I raise my right hand.  Even later he begins to notice the ever so slight change of weight produced by turning my head to the right. Then at last, viola!  I simply look in the direction I want to go and he responds. Finally we flow together like two dancers that have enjoyed many wonderful waltzes together. Kinda like me and my wife.

The most interesting thing I have observed is that my wife is untrainable. So when we are at the dinner table and I look at the pepper mill and grunt she knows I want the pepper mill, even though she knows I always add pepper to a Caesars salad she always replies “honey, use your words, what is it that you want?” to which my children get a huge laugh as they remember me imploring them to talk as toddlers.  They tell me “Dad, just because horses know what you are talking about and choose to conform doesn’t mean we will.”

The fact is all of us do listen to body language. Some expert estimate that upwards of 90% of all communication is body language. However, that figure does not account for the fact that women like to have an actual conversation.  That we can communicate almost completely using nonverbal body language is a testament to the depth of our relationship. Having said this I can assure you my wife would rather have verbal conversation.

In the round pen some of the communication is so subtle that unless it is pointed out to the casual observer it would never be detected.  It could be the nod of a head or the slightest retreat that signals a horse to change direction or gait.  It could be the change from a stern look to a friendly look that convinces the colt to come in to the trainer.  It is up to the trainer to notice even the slightest change in the horse and use it to teach the horse something. When the horse finally responds to a cue in the smallest fashion, the trainer must immediately release pressure.  The release of pressure could be a rounding of the posture, a diversion of the gaze, an almost undetectable retreat from the horses’ space.

But first the trainer must learn to identify the smallest possible positive change.  Sometimes all that is required is the twitch of a muscle. Other times it is the slight shifting of the weight forward or backward.  The only way to transform a wild raging colt into a balanced, refined horse is by rewarding the smallest of “tries”.

Similar skills are needed when managing or motivating people.  We have to realize that the first time someone is given a responsibility the results may not be perfect.  Instead of finding fault with the attempt, leaders need to find the smallest “try” and reward it. The reward could be as simple as saying “nice job”.   Leaders can mold and model excellent performance by building on the simplest of tasks.  If we can give an employee or family member a very simple task and reward them for it’s successful completion soon they will be able to handle more complex tasks.

As the trainer asks the horse for slightly more complicated maneuvers and notices and rewards the slightest try something amazing happens.  The horse develops more “want to”.  He actually starts looking for ways to be recognized for good performance.  Families and employees are no different; they are desperately seeking positive recognition.  As leaders the challenge is developing awareness for the “try”.  So often our own priorities and agendas crowd out the subtle signs that someone is giving an honest
”try”.  If we can be present in the moment to acknowledge their struggle to succeed we can help them achieve tomorrow what they can not even imagine today.

It all starts with noticing the smallest “try”.